After a long time

After a Long Time

After a long time, I sat down to write, unsure of what to write about.

Reflecting, I realize many things have happened. On April 17th, I took an oath at the American Immigration Office to become a citizen. Today, I pledged to do everything possible to improve this country, including fighting for it if needed.

There was a slight pain in my heart - birds don't need visas or citizenship, do they? They fly freely anywhere and remain happy. Looking at fish, they swim from one sea to another, rivers to oceans, and continue their journey. Nature performs its work efficiently everywhere. But humans have so many restrictions and difficulties. Thinking about it, I understand that these are complications we've created in our minds. Nevertheless, as prisoners of circumstance, we must follow all procedures.

With an American flag in one hand and the certificate they gave in the other, we went up to the stage one by one to take photos after everyone finished. Standing next to the "I am American" poster, I loudly sang, "India is my home; being Indian is my pride." I did this because the pain in my heart had intensified. The woman who gave me the certificate smiled and said, "I think you are pleased, congratulations!" before walking away.

I keep thinking that nothing happens according to our plans; my life is the most prominent example. Jesudas's voice echoes somewhere: "Did I ask my parents to create me, or did my child ask to be born? This is a sin committed by God, sister. Does the wind have a gardener? This is my stance."

Like a dry leaf flying in the wind, like driftwood fallen into water flowing without direction, somehow I've become a citizen of America. I keep touching my head to check if I've grown two horns - not yet! :)

Things keep happening one after another. After completing some Osha courses that were out of interest, a friend from one class introduced me to someone who introduced me to another person. Today, I work as a teacher at a university. Again, sitting by my window looking at the Puget Sound, I ask myself, "Am I really me? Or someone else?"

Many times, I wonder what causes such things to happen in life. Is it fate? Karma? When I think about all this, I'm reminded of my parents, who lived so simply. Did they ever sit down and think about what life is and why things happen the way they do? I don't know.

My mother would recite slokas while cooking, finish her prayers, and leave for the office; my father, who would chat lightly with Mom, finish all his work, drop someone at school on his bicycle, go to the office, and then go act in dramas in the evening—between the cultural Sabha and home, the four of us grew up and are now in good positions. Still, they are not here to see it.

As far as I know, they never sat down together to discuss life and why it's the way it is.

Whenever I look at the sea, even while entranced by its beauty, what keeps occurring to me is that life is like an onion! Peel and peel, and it keeps diminishing. In the end, the truth is that life has no meaning. What we try to discover is our own meaning. Our parents lived lovingly and humbly with everyone and left. But we get caught up like this. With half-knowledge of technology and English! With half-knowledge of everything, life itself is passing by incompletely.

I understand that nothing happens according to our wishes; we are living amid what happens. Thinking "I, I, I" has consumed over half of my life.

Sometimes, in the evenings, my mother would say, "What's with all this philosophy and Vedanta? Wear a nice salwar kameez, play badminton with the children, and return!" I was only 34 then, and this thought has been with me since. She would often say, "Eat your cooked rice, and go to the cremation ground when the time comes. Why think so much about this? Be happy. Beautiful children and a husband who earns well, what do you need Vedanta for?" Her voice still echoes in my ears.

Fortunately, it was after my mother passed away that my husband, who "earned well," followed her - perhaps taking his earnings with him?! Leaving me and my children to struggle.

What happened afterward? I don't know if it was a story or a dream. Somehow, I studied, came forward, and ran a business... hmm, what to write and leave out? If my life were made into a serial, would it take five years? Should we make it or not? There, too, it's all thought, thought, thought!

Loneliness will never come in life because only when our mind stops when the flow of thoughts stops, will we experience loneliness and the peace it brings. Otherwise, there is no such thing as loneliness.

A short message from Karpagam about her father triggered old memories rapidly racing in reverse gear. I wish to capture this non-stop action replay in writing.

Let's see if I can write at least one page daily from now on.

With love, J